So very lost...

Time for more complaining.

But I don't know where to begin. What can I say that hasn't already been said?
They hate me, and they're dragging me down.
She's leaving me, and there's nothing I can do.
He loves me, but he can't really help me here...no matter how he tries.
And myself...
Failing, flailing, and falling behind. My feet are brushing the bottom, and no attempts at rising or being pulled up are having any effect.
To put it most artfully, this is the prelude to the falling of this rosen heart, and it seems we are nearing the final scene...As to the ending, none but the playwright knows, not even the actors are aware...and it leaves our young heroine in the lurch.
She knows too well that this is not where she should be...She was supposed to be the fearless leader. She was supposed to lead her army, protecting them in the shadow of her wing...and here she is instead, growing tired of this endless struggle and rapidly getting sick of breathing...

Some example I turned out to be.

ha ha ha....

So much for not complaining last time, neh?

Well, don't worry about that this time. All I have for you is an update.

Yami feels like shit. She is annoyed, and furious at herself, and so upset her stomach hurts, so sad her heart aches...And the great thing is, there's pretty much jack she can do about it. There was one idea before, but she's tried and failed at that a few times already, so, yeah.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm at a very bad place in my life.

Switching tracks...

I don't feel like complaining today. It's Easter. I hung out with Cody and with Jer's family, and I got some cool goggles, and I'm feeling pretty okay right now. As long as I don't think about things, that is...

I guess there are some things that should be noted. Ardon's quite mad at me because I've decided not to go to Oregon with her in favor of staying in Utah and going to the U. Nothing upsets me quite like when she's mad at me. She's the friend I've had the longest, and the friend I trust the most...and to think....no, to KNOW, that I've betrayed her like I have....is a pain unlike anything else. I can't even begin to describe it...she's my sister. My twin. Betraying her is betraying myself. It's going against everything I am.
So why am I doing this? Why am I not changing my mind, going to Oregon with her? There are so many things stacked up for a reason there, but utmost is that it's what's comfortable. I'm used to this place. It doesn't scare me (much). Going to college is scary enough...I don't want to completely leave my comfort zone just now.
I guess you could say I'm in a fragile place...I don't know how much pressure it would take to break me right now, and that's making me nervous. I wonder if some people can feel when you're fragile, and know not to push you...I know some people really can't, but I wonder if others are exceptionally good at it. I think some people in Jer's family are like that, I know they can be abrasive, but they didn't really abuse me much today.
But, back to the main topic. I'm comfortable here. I'm safe. I don't want to leave that safety, to put it plainly, because I'm scared to. Of course I am...Everyone would be, wouldn't they? Or am I just a terrible coward? Or is it just that everyone else overcomes that fear? Why can't I, then? I'm scared stiff of it...I'm scared stiff of everything. Just knowing how afraid I am makes my heart hurt with shame....

Will I always need saving?

never (2)

Here we stand again, another stupid emo rant...I hate being this way. But all the same, I have to write about this somewhere, and why not expose it to the whole world while I'm at it? I guess I feel that if I post this, maybe someone will read it and...make a difference somehow. Friends, I know some of you may read this, and want to tell me the same things I've already heard. Don't bother saying anything if you don't have something convincing. I've tried everything...nothing has worked. "Words are very, unnecessary, they can only do harm..." Don't bother. Just wait until you forget all your reassurance, then forget about this all together...

*************************

Never. Once again, it's the simplest way to begin. With a recurring thought, a feeling that won't dissapate.
"Nothing you do will EVER be good enough."
They claim it's a lie, but the feeling's always been there.
"Never, never, never, you will never be good enough!"
I'll always be a failure in the eyes of those who are supposed to love me the most. The ones whose love should be unconditional. Oh, but it is conditional, and how! I missed a spot vacuuming. Instantly, waves of criticism and hate....Unrelenting truth.
"Someday the real world's gonna hit you."
and the silent reminder that goes with those angry words.
"And then you'll be sorry."
And I know it's true.
"And then you'll be sorry, and you'll be hurting, and you'll have no one to help you, because everything goes away. You won't have anything. And it will all, all be your fault, because you never learn. You do the same things, and expect different results. It's always the same story with you, and we've always been there to save your sorry ass. But when we leave, you're gonna be helpless, and you're going to flail and fall and suffer and drown. There won't be anyone to save you if you can't learn to change your ways. But you just won't. Because that's how you are. You're a failure, and destiny, or karma, or whichever, has chosen to destroy you. I can't be blamed for this. No one can say we haven't tried to raise you right. You were born with plenty of talent, and no brains to do anything with that talent. You're a failure, and you always will be."

Then, when they catch me crying, and I tell them why, they always say the same thing. Different words, but always the same thing. "You're not a failure! Look at this, and this, and you've got so much potential, you just need to-" But I stop listening. Your words are empty. Words, and nothing more. No truth. You had it right the first time. I'm a failure. Destiny or whatever else has chosen me to kick around. It gave me bits and pieces of a life, and then took away everything I needed to make it work.

Oh, but no. I can't blame this on destiny, though it be fickle. I'm the only one who can be blamed for this life I have...I'm the one who keeps trying, and keeps failing. I'm the one who gave up so long ago. I'm the one who ties her shoelaces in knots and expects to be able to walk without stumbling. You can't save something that wants to break.
Past behavior predicts future behavior. I've given up before, I'll do it again.
Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results. I must be insane, to keep trying to change...People never change, after all. Never. That's what they all say, isn't it? Yet when one applies it to themselves, they're so quick to try to reverse the words, say that's not what they meant....

Why would someone work so hard to make themselves miserable?
Why would I dwell on this over and over again?
It's simple.
I don't want to be happy.
I don't want to be sane.
I don't want to be popular or loved or any of that.

I just want to see clearly.
I want to know the truth.
I want to know how I feel.
So I poke and prod and examine my suffering, trying to discern what is real...
But it's like examining the mountains through the fog that hides your hand in front of your face. "I see only murk."

I can't do this anymore. I have to find some way out of this. I can't just keep going in circles. It has to end somewhere.

never...

"Never throw the blame to someone else.
It's your responsibility."
So there's no one but me to feel the pain of this, because, of course, there can be no one else to blame.
I'm always falling, and always falling alone.
"Nope. Not this time. This time it will work."
You say you'll help me. I say I'll try. But I never do, and then we both forget, only to try it again later, with the same results.

Maybe I should just give in...
I don't want to surrender.
All my stories, all my dreams...I've never surrendered before. Death before surrender, always...
Always, always, always. Everything is always the same. My characters, my avatars, always so brave, standing where I would have fallen, speaking where my cowardice would keep me silent. And then there's me...I couldn't live up to any of them. They keep their promises. They rarely fail, and even when they do, they always rise up and recover and try again and again until they succeed.
Once burned, twice shy.
Burned once by persistence, I gave it up completely.
Now look where I stand.
Ranting incoherently, unable to discern anything.

Could you be the one to save me? You've always been there before...Always trying, though without my attempts, your attempts meant little. Then again, where would I be without you? Dead, probably. Dead many times over.
The Fuhrer's Fuhrer. This is why I call you Leader. The one Yami-sama calls -sama. Okashira. I want to try, because you have encouraged me. But past failures make me shy away...From your help, from my own. As I've always been told, past behavior predicts future behavior. As I've always told myself, people don't change. I thought I'd broken that rule. I thought I'd changed. I thought I'd broken free of my past behavior.

I want to be a prince, not a princess. I don't want to need saving...
But here I am again, desperate and helpless, as always.
In the end, I guess I'm always going to need you.

I'm sorry.

Heh. (And not in a good way.)

Well, for anyone who saw my last post...don't worry about it. I'm feeling better now. I deleted that post for a reason. For those who didn't see it...don't worry about it.

In other news, I seem to be stuck in a rut again. I don't know what else to say, but the same thing I keep saying. I have to get better. I cannot remain static any longer...

And yet, why does it seem that is all I'm capable of?

I live!

Wow. I am surprised, but pleased, to announce to you all that I am still alive. Between school work trying to kill me through stress, and school food trying to kill me through poison, it's been a tough few weeks. Well, the first semester is over, and with it, my stressful class dies. Good night FIN 1050, and flights of B+'s sing thee to thy rest...lol! Okay, so THAT was lame! Shaddup. I thought it was hilarious. ANYWAY! So. Two classes are going away, to be replaced by two different ones. Health will disappear (wah! No more class with Wonka!) and be replaced by weightlifting with LV. This, however, means my english class will be moving to Mr Lundstrom (sorry if I spelled your name wrong!) and I will no longer have friends in that class. ;_; Good bye, Lee and Kiona! I shall miss you! But hey, we still go to the tech center together. And, causing much uproar and glee to all...no more Finance class! It is to be replaced by Art 1020. YUS! Huzzah! Everything is going to get better now...

Oh no. Those words have become the seed for a rant!
I must update you all on my progress. I've not been working out. I went for a short run once at my school, in prep for track team...and haven't done anything since. I think I'm going to jog today though, so, yeah. I forgot to add one thing to my new years resolutions list....and that one is perhaps highest, and most acheivable, on my list. I want to letter in track this year! I'm going to do it! I'm going to be better than ever before...For real. I am Fuhrer of my troops, I have an obligation to set a good example for them. Therefore I MUST do my best! RIGHT!

I'm going to go train now, before I get lazy.